Static from a dead or dying channel on the television, and the terrible white silence of a ceiling fan...
The cleaning staff, knocking on the door, knocking, knocking...banging...keys jingling, door opening...
And the note reads:
"What to write down when there's no words left,
when your closest friends think your just stressed. (pest)
Labelled as depressed...(detest)
Feeling so oppressed...(obsessed)
All the pills in the world can't fix me.
Too late to escape my mistakes,
so I down this bottle of whisky -
thin the blood, I am numb to the taste.
Pick up my case (place), take out the razor blades (hate)
No fond farewell (dwell) for this waste of space.
Sick of my shaking fingers,
from my prescribed help.
Only myself to blame I brought this sadness on myself.
Pressures pressing down on me, I'm losing control - I'm failing me.
Talk to myself, I'm blaming me, please understand I'm just not me.
Lost control inside of me, I've already died - I'm hiding grief.
Need your hand...reach out to me. Never felt so sick with disbelief.
You stopped supporting me... (me)
Gave up on what I need... (need)
and now my wrists they bleed.
I cant be stopped,
I will succeed.
I waited for your arrival...(survival?)
but nobody ever came. (blame?)
How the fuck can I be harmed when I'm anesthatised to pain?
I hope this letter never finds its way.
That wasn't something that I wanted to say.
God's not here, so I dont pray.
I guess blaming you makes it all okay...
Easier to say goodbye (bye)
Tears filling up my eyes (why?)
I'm running out of paper...
I'm running out of time..."
Later, a loved one will reflect and have questions never verbalized, that will fire out from their heart and mind
into nothingness in an attempt to (im)possibly reach their lost loved one. They are full of nothing but seething
rage...their only hope to find peace is to give up that life-ending rage. More importantly, they must find peace
for their lost loved one, who they can hear singing from somewhere as the one left behind alive remembers these
"What the fuck have you done?
You took your life and you left me stunned,
and now i'm trapped inside a cycle gripped by sadness...I am numb.
Swimming an ocean on my own.
hear your voice on my phone...
consumed by guilt...
Heart-wrenching grief is unknown.
I'm devastated defeated,
disconcerted deserve it,
this couldn't possibly be real,
you're the one that I trusted.
You say that I'm the one that left you,
but I'm the one standing alone - that means you left, too,
and all you left me with is this letter that you wrote to me.
You said your piece, made your peace, now listen closely...
Oh my fucking god I miss you,
and I'm so pissed a cure doesn't exist for your illness, too.
I just wanna say I forgive you, say goodbye.
I battled my grief...
Your death was suicide...
You and I..."
Calboy Keys ( https://soundcloud.com/the-fort ): guitar sample, electric piano samples, grand piano performance
You Haven't Heard of Him ( https://soundcloud.com/youhaventheardofhim ): track concept, guitar and electric piano resampling, bass, drums and percussion,
effects, mixing/mastering of track and vocals
Conflict ( https://soundcloud.com/conflicthiphop ): lyrics and all vocals
Holly Matheson (https://soundcloud.com/holly-matheson-2 ): housekeeping vocals
Ethan Matheson ( https://soundcloud.com/youhaventheardofhim/ethans-first-beat ): mastering assistant, and YHHoH's son
If you or someone you know suffers from Suicidal Ideation, please get help.
Here is a good place to start:
What is Suicidal Ideation?
Why would you want to study suicide?
Knowing the enemy is the best way to defeat it, or at least keep it at bay. A single word can save a life.
This track is dedicated to Jim McNeil, who passed away on August 15th, 1976.
- glitch hop