The Assistant Referee's Alphabet by Half Bam Half Whisky

A is for Aberdeen - where I was born and my mate Ross Thomson who represents the constituency Aberdeen South following the glorious election of 2017

B is for Bungle - our pet name for our glorious leader Theresa May

C is for Conservative. What else? The highest political philosophy known to man. And ladies.

D is for Douglas - my first name. I'm lucky enough to be one of those people who has two first names for my whole name. That's impressive, eh?

E is for Education. I was educated at Forres Academy and the Scottish Agricultural College. Forres sounds like forest doesn't it? I'm so ecological.

F is for Fochabers and Lhanbryde - my first ward. This is where the magic began.

G is for Gypsies. Don't like 'em.

H is for the House of Commons where I show up occasionally if I'm not assisting referees.

I is for investigation which the SFA did on me. I was warned to pay attention to my use of language. Big wows.

J is for junket - a ridiculous word used to besmirch my important training trips to Switzerland.

K is for the 40 K I get a year for my weekend job. Not including the all-expenses paid trips to Europe.

L is for linesman which some people still insist on calling the noble art of assistant refeering. Get with the 21st century, you neanderthals.

M is for Moray - my constituency. My kind of people. The huge Tory funding and tailored advertising aimed at the residents, helped me spank SNP Bad man Angus Robertson in the 2017 election. Happy days.

N is for New Conservatism which is much like Old Conservatism but much much worse.

O is for Old Firm. I officiated at an old firm match once and repeatedly shouted at the referee to send off a Celtic player. One of my finest moments.

P is for Portugal where I officated in a Champions League match between Sporting Lisbon and Real Madrid.

Q is for Question Time - a light entertainment programme which they really should get me on so I can explain the offside rule.

R is for Real Madrid. I was assistant referee at one of their games once don't you know.

S is for Sporting Lisbon. That's who Real Madrid were playing when I was assistant referee. Amazing, eh?

T is for Tuesday which is the day I missed the justice committee meeting to officiate at that Sporting Lisbon versus Real Madrid game in Portugal I was talking about.

U is for Universal Credit -that's the debate I missed in Parliament due to my heavy refereeing schedule.

V is for vulgar which is what all these moaning minnies are that go on about my refereeing commitments.

W is for Westminster. Nice place. Shame about the cybernat oiks there.

X is for the mark on the ballot paper so many millions of marvellous Moray people placed next to my name that glorious day in 2017.

Y is for yellow card. It's like a red card. But yellow.

Z is for zippy. My favourite Rainbow character. He looks a bit like my mate Ross Thomson too. Haha. Only joking, Ross - ya big Saddam sword joker ye.