The Mothers And The Fuckers
The Mothers And The Fuckers are a rock band from Oslo, Norway. Wait. Scratch that. The Mothers And The Fuckers are THE rock band from Oslo, Norway.
They are young, ambitious, talented, and look amazing in tight pants. The songs they create aren't just songs, but rather audio experiences, and they consistently bring to mind the best, most shining-est moments from your favorite artists. Go ahead. Think of your favorite artist. Now imagine that that artist is younger, sexier, and makes even better music. That's The Mothers And The Fuckers you're imagining. Also, they smell really nice.
The Mothers And The Fuckers are not merely a sextet. They are a symbiotic community, a melodic ecosystem. If a middle finger, raised in anger, were to get it on with a peace sign, whilst high-fiving a shadow puppet butterfly, the product would be The Mothers And The Fuckers. Here are their names and the roles they fill in the band, although words alone could never achieve the level of description that these men deserve:
Johnny Tornadoface was raised on the hard streets of Tromsø in Norway. It was a hard childhood, what with all the drugs, violence, and casual nudity with which Tromsø is associated. Truly an "eat or be eaten" environment to come up in, this is the town that created Johnny's rough-around-the-edges persona, as well as the twinkle in his otherwise hard eyes which says: "Yeah. I'm a tough muthafucka.... but maybe i could change for the right girl." There is at least one poster of Johnny Tornadoface in every Scandinavian teenage girl's bedroom. Usually more. If The Mothers And The Fuckers had a definitive frontman, it would be Johnny Tornadoface. He has played guitar for fifteen years, the last ten of which he vowed not to progress any further, having already achieved what he calls "The Sound." His uncanny ability to play two guitars simultaneously is unparalleled. His epic riffs, teamed with his ability to stare into and beyond a camera's lens while shirtless, is core around which The Mothers And The Fuckers revolve. And he smells great.
Shrugs came to Norway from someplace between the Pacific and the Atlantic Oceans, although he has refused in countless interviews to specify exactly where. He is probably the whitest hip-hop lyricist living in Norway, which places him on the shortlist for whitest worldwide.
Knut Knutsen, despite having played the piano for less time than it takes to menstruate, is the unchallenged master of the "one-chord-hold" as well as the "one-chord-repetitive-poppy-stacatto-assault." Truly irreplaceable, Knut's innovative energy is part of what keeps The Mothers And The Fuckers perpetually fresh.
Bjørn Svendsen doesn't just play the bass guitar. He owns it. Consequently, he has sex with a lot of attractive girls, most of which is legal in many countries.
Svend Bjørnsen is less a drummer and more a human metronome. His flawless playing and unfaltering rhythm often leave the listener in a state of awe, and under the impression that they are in fact listening to a programmed drum track on somebody's outdated Mac OSX.
Steve doesn't play any instruments or sing, but the rest of the of band swear that, were they stripped of the presence of his interpretive dance, they would be entirely unable to stun the international audience that holds them in such high esteem. With the exception of Shrugs, he is the only member of the band who does not originally hail from Norway, but rather from the city of Göteborg in neighboring Sweden. He moved to Oslo in search of higher wages, as well as to work on his Swedish. Steve was to appear as a hand-clapper on one of The Mothers And The Fuckers' songs, but at the last minute the producer decided that he wasn't quite hitting the right note and removed the clap track from the rest of the song.
Here is a review by a totally non-fictional music magazine that really exists:
"The word genius is perhaps a bit overused these days. Having now said that, let me tell you that The Mothers And The Fuckers are pure genius. And it doesn't hurt none that they smell fanstastic."
- Ferd Burfle, Editor, "Le Grande Musique Magazine"
Ladies and Gentleman.... i present to you
The Mothers And The Fuckers!