I wake up some mornings just feeling... frail. Like, please be careful, go slow, don’t touch me too rough, speak gently.
It happens after worried nights, reliving things from the past or dreaming things I don’t wish to happen and I wake up feeling unrested and sore. Like I’ve just been pushed around between two thorny edges and my mind is as wounded as my body and the sky is as fragile as me, able to break into tears any moment.
I used to run out in a worried state of anxiety, not knowing where to go with my body these days, not knowing how to drown out the strange unrest in my chest and I used to run run run until it felt better, which it rarely did, until the day was done and I could leave it behind and move on.
But I’m learning to be gentle with myself. To treat me with the same care I wish others to do so I don’t push, I don’t force. I make myself something warm to drink, I sit down in a sunny spot, feeling the warmth like a warm blanket. I read something comforting, something about my place in the universe and how there is a constant line of energy piercing through, a constant source of well-being, and I just have ot tune into it, I just have to close my eyes and breathe it in.
I go for a slow walk, I listen to music I like. I call a friend and simply ask how he is, how his mum is, if work is going well? I go to the cinema by myself and watch something bubbly and happy because it simply makes me feel better, to not take it all so seriously and I walk home alone in the dark, slowly, because I go gently and if I’m not strong some days I adjust and slow the pace down, for myself.
I think the key is to lose the fixed, unbroken standard of how a human being should feel and look and get on with each and every day like a robot in a factory. You’re not a robot. You’re a fragile living moving human particle of energy and your energy comes and goes and it’s all okay. Don’t push so hard. Listen to your heart and adjust your pace to its beating.
Every day has a different rhythm. If you go faster than what’s meant for you today you’ll step out of the beat. You’ll go out of flow. Ease into it. Go lightly.
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