In keeping with mental health awareness month, this is a song I wrote trying to describe what depression can be like for me - literally like theres thoughts I can't get out. I'll let your mind fill in what ones.
For me, depression is like a fissure, suddenly appearing in the ground swallowing you up. Put yourself in my shoes. Say, you're 13, you've got you're whole life infront of you and you've already had a great ride... a perfect 90's childhood. But your brain chemistry has decided to change - is this karma? It must be... but its such a blindside. This makes no sense. Nothing gives you joy. Burned out. Cold. Sad. Numb. Mind fogged. You feel like a different person in the same body, an alien, and like everyone expects you to act the way you did before... but you've got 300 pounds of black tar and cement in your stomach so it takes all you've got to keep appearances. You don't want anyone else to ever have to bear any of this weight. And people’s advice if you do risk sharing your struggle is along the lines of 'turn off the switch you idiot!!', and then you keep saying that to yourself too - but that just turned gravity from 900x to 1200x the norm.
Yes - you've been swallowed by a fissure, a crack - and now you have to climb out, even when there isn't an ounce of light, long after you've forgotten what light is even like, long after the hunger to get better has been replaced with hopelessness - hopelessness from hoping someone will see you down there for who you really are, and love you for who you really are.
If you're on the surface, please look down in the darkness - there might be someone who needs your hand.
Thank you to those who have reached out a hand over the years.
TRACK REFLECTION & LYRICS:
Making this track, I'll be honest, was hell. I thought it would be cathartic, and at times it was - but its been more a problem child than anything helpful to me and I'm not sure why and I just need to be done with it for my sanity. No matter what I don't like how this pseudo-demo turned out. To give voice to depressed language can just enable it further - and that was my experience with it. But I truly hope it is cathartic or illuminating for you, and I ask in this grotesque ADD monstrosity called 2019 social media you take 4 minutes to truly listen, to allow my endless convoluted hours of labor on this thankless slab of waveform to have the chance to mean something. It feels like a waste of time to have made, but here it is.
This song also goes hand in hand with writer’s block - but, if anything, I only have too many ideas.
Mental health is a monster, and being in the arts can make it much much worse. Be good to those who need it. Be good to musicians.
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I’m writin a song just to say I can’t find
What I need sing about
Deep down I know but my soul gets brushed away
Making these words instead
Let it out and live, don’t keep it inside
I would if I could, but I’m saying goodbye
There’s a thought in my head I can’t get out
A thought in my head that’s stuck
Wastin away, heart in a grave,
Prayin’ it’ll come to you
Cos it seems when I try the war goes deeper inside
Till I’m barely getting through
Is everything I am a lie
Is that why I'm sad all the time?
Why i'm wakin up dead
With a thought in my head… etc
And I can’t get it out again
Keep sayin, everything ends sometime
(Hey, I know its fine, its only in your mind, hey hey hey)
Keep sayin, everything ends sometime
But if you feel like you’re dead
How can you just sit?
Like you’re already gone?
Why don’t you write a new song?
There’s a thought… etc
(Hey I know its fine, etc)
Everything will end sometime
(Thought in my head I) I can’t get it out again
(You’re writin this song just to say)...
Why don’t you write a new song… ?
- Folk & Singer-Songwriter