Wealth of nations, I’m a national scandal.
Mowed the lawn in Speedo and sandals.
Can’t hold a candle to this wax or wick,
Wicked weed wacker, I got the biggest . . . crick
in my neck, can I get a massage here?
Or a bottle of codeine and a six pack of beer?
No pain, no gain, then I’m a millionaire,
Spayed 10 cats on a double dog dare
without anesthetic, got the scars to prove it.
Cat scratch fever, no balm can soothe it.
Ted Nugent’s agent called, he wanted his 10 percent,
I said Hell no, these rhymes are Heaven-sent.
Ran with scissors and walked under ladders,
Crossed black cats’ paths, ain’t nothing the matter
with me, not yet, better knock on wood.
Never superstitious, never do what I should.
Good to be me, but I could be better,
push it like Pamela in a tight sweater.
Set my mind to verbal mastery,
get you behind some herbal, the last you’ll see
or smell taste touch is the Freddy Flow chronic,
snapping synapses, getting hooked on sonics,
Bubonic plague, I don’t play, this contagion’s
like six misses on PMS, hormones raging.
Cajun hot sauce and a matzo ball balloon drop,
Illing syllables I got me a bumper crop,
Lop off dreadlocks, I’m shear madness,
Got plenty of hot mess to mess with your badness.
Some smoke broccoli, I snack cruciferous,
Stole Lucifer’s lunchbox then prayed to deliver us.
Give us our daily Fred, gonna get Pentecostal,
Some dude’s getting hostile, flared his nostrils.
The costs’ll add up, get your calculator,
Fight fire with flow, annihilate you.
I’m Smoky Bear, gonna snap all your matches,
Cookie cutter, I bake you in batches.
Mash potatoes, fry up some tubers
Might be the underdog but I stay uber,
above the fray, fillet like it’s Friday,
I’m not Mickey D’s though, you gonna have it my way.
Riding this highway till the rhymes run low,
When get on my glide path, better look out below.
I land where I want, 747,
Got a big bird of words, thesaurus to heaven.
Hairway to Steven, I fly led zeppelins,
Since Alice in Wonderland I channel Johnny Depp
Since School of Rock I’m a Jack Black crackhead,
Since you asked I’ve never exacted
exactly what I want to say here,
suffice it to say I’ve had too much beer
and not enough sense to know when to quit,
If the glove doesn’t fit you must acquit.