To try and sum up a journey it is literally a ride over which there is no control, as I remember events and try to make sense of so many crazy scenarios it was as if there was no rhyme or reason and in realizing this the reason for chaos theory mathematician magically turning up along the way makes total sense. Yet what I was trying to do was make some sense of order of literally everything which I guess is some form of chaos theory realized. The chaos being my life and yet being in a state of mind where I was observing even myself as I responded to every impulse and followed no matter where, as if everything I did was in some way justified and I had to experience the impulse to know it and so in this way walks in my bejeweled garden sat alongside dark brooding desires to lash out that caused me harm and invariably made me think what the fuck was that, where did that come from, what the hell does it mean? This did not occur to me when in bliss, I simply enjoyed, therefore the dark stuff was what made me think as if it was determined to get my attention and make me realize something.
And indeed eventually I did as I began to link cause with effect but not just for myself as in a personal healing upon my own psychiatrists couch in self-analysis, I literally put the world, the human condition on the couch and as the beat of a butterfly’s wing is akin to the hurricane so I stood in the eye of the storm and sought to understand and even calm it.
I could see everything and everything just appeared as if in some celestial pattern of inevitability, one thing led to another and another, everything just flowed to me in an order that I recorded and I never once doubted what I was doing, even when asked I simply registered the question, gave no reply and continued as if it were an audio blind spot designed to avoid unnecessary interference. For 8 years I was thus engaged and dedicated, in the middle of which I produced the Green King album 1995 derived in conjunction with the Wall design, an audio visual work of Art which I realized much later, as for me it was more a living thing, I was simply doing it because I had to like breathing and as breath is given so I gave it away to whoever I met as we do with words upon breath, though many insisted they will pay and clarified for a fool the means to make more.
I eventually realized I was no longer sleeping, the reason I say this is because of the regular occurrence, sometimes four or five times even more a night, of getting up to write stuff down, it was as if I just rested and slipped into some other realm from which I kept going to and fro, I suppose I must have hit deep sleep at some time but I became accustomed to dream walking as I called it and so many things were revealed sometimes leaving me baffled for weeks on end but eventually even the most baffling elements would fall into a coherent scenario, as if they were players rehearsing and awaiting the Q to collectively perform and present a story in full Technicolor with a cast of thousands and play out some ancient scene that yet had its relation to common occurrence and showed me perhaps what Jung called archetypal elements of the human condition or workings of consciousness.
I simply let it flow self-interest was of no consequence, I had no plan, desire or intention other than to go with it whatever it was and songs and melodies just appeared, complete as if already dreamed in some way and were waiting for the opportunity to appear as I sat meditative playing and riffing for the company of sound tuned to my heart, then a manifestation, the fondest and most profound time etched upon memory being the writing of ‘Shine On’ which came with a supporting cast of elements as wind moved cloud and sunlight flooded my room and tears rolled down my face as I sang the lyric of the song just come “For in every tear there’s a drop of fear and it just aint the way that it goes” looking up as warmth surrounded me like a golden cloak and gave me a hug though words cannot begin to express the plethora of joy and pain that flooded my being as a torrent of realizations made themselves present in that light filled moment, I departed myself and viewed as if across the room the happy sadness of the scene both proud filled and with compassion for the struggle weeping before my eyes.