(05/05 - Mount Pheasant I) - "I won! I won! I won! I won the race! I was first! I deserved that medal. It was mine. I don’t care that I wasn’t a 14 year old girl. But no one seemed happy for my athletic prowess. Fuck ‘em. I couldn’t stop to argue, I kept on running, running towards the storage prefabs in the park where I collapsed in a heap of bones and sickness, as Niklas Von Falconhorst lowered his binoculars…"
"You’re a sad man Tom… Everyone knows that. Rachel was only using you. She wanted me! And she wasn’t going to give up either! But at that moment I had no concept of what the hell was going on as my legs went from beneath me in the dense growth around the prefabs."
"Meanwhile as Lionel dragged me towards a vacant prefab cabin, Ponkin Bourke and Egritte Manbender were close by, all alone together they were, inside a prefab room looking through the Community Games medals and starting to look at each other, all weird like!"
"See, told yis! Tom Kendall is a pervert of wild proportions! But what about poor old Ponkin, no butthole surfing for him with all the interruptions from a concerned Broadleaf O’Hara looking for me and a psychopathic Seawee Magee looking for Cottle! Like the main train station it was. But all I could hear was the echo of Lionel Penton’s sleazy man-molestering voice…"
"At that moment as Lionel Penton began to unbuckle his beige chinos in front of my exhausted head, trying to convince me to work for him as his call centre manager… Outside the prefabs, with a pair of fat earphones and a microphone, was Mount Eidel Radio’s Cottle Fardell on the move and not far behind him, clacking along in her black heels was Rachel Stakkum, pumpin’ sweat from all angles…"
"I had no idea what the fuck was going on! I was burning up… hot… couldn’t see… visions of erections… But then suddenly! Rachel Stakkum took the initiative, it was him or her!"
"Seawee Magee swung that bat and caught Cottle square on the side of his neck… From then on it was all a blur… The room filled with people… I could hear only muffled voices. Was that Ponkin? Or Hubert Stelfark??? It didn’t matter… I went a bit mental…"
"And that was it… I don’t remember much… But I’d like to take this opportunity to apologise to Rachel. I was told I broke her jaw with my penis. Sorry Rachel. After that? Well, as Lionel said… I still had the job offer; call-centre manager, 40,000-a-year + commission + travel-saver package including gym membership and food tickets?… He’d take me on, if, as he euphemistically stated “I’d take him on me”… Well, what would you do?"
"Yeah, yeah, like you wouldn’t do the same. I had to pay a lot of damages… The public toilet alone cost a fortune… What can I say? My name is Richard Pheasant. Most people who know me call me Dick… I am not a proud man."
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