Mindcast: bipolar

I am a 46yo male looking for answers, and now I am sitting here in disbelief listening to myself talk as a female - unfknblvble !! - I am not alone, Thank you !

This made me cry because it's where I'm at now...cant hide pretend or ignore how awful i feel anymore it's getting worse and cant express to friends and family how desolate different and lonely I feel, the changes I face and now have to make. !!!! I dont want to lose the funloving me tho

haha ALL OR NOTHING that just about sums it up for me

Mum's first response was she wasn't going to read the email I sent her, that I'd talked myself into believing I had bipolar by convincing myself with symptoms I researched on the internet. Supports me massively now she's come to terms the precious daughter she loves immensely suffers the stigma and label of lifelong mental disability. However if she knew how well I managed to hide how lonely miserable dissatisfied I always felt about me inside, having weekly if not daily thoughts of suicide , I can say with 100% certainty she is now happily relieved with diagnosis and would wish it wasn't diagnosed sooner to prevent the pain and tragic consequences experienced from previous years

Spending lots of money, Instant gratification, Glamour, Hmmmm I wonder..... 600e at Nikki Beach Marbella for six bottles of champagne / 3 beach beds for no not an entire holiday but just day and 1000 E in Puerto Banus purely on clothes....yeah think that qualifies me

NOOOOO I LOVE DANCING MY WIEIGHT IS STARTING TO BALOON, tFEEL TEARFUL AND LOW. That's it, I'm packing them in I much prefer being the old version of me (just jesting Mum.....for now;-) xx

Thats how I felt about not being believed

Exactly how I felt, relief that there was a diagnosis and has helped me come to terms with a lot about me. Like she said, it makes sense

I have a massively supportive family but I also feel lonely because I cannot adequately describe exactly how I feel or what it's like to be me

Excellent interview. Really brave to speak out. Society claims equality and respect but these are not always things that we who suffer - and sometimes sing - experience day-today. I am coming to terms with the fact that the dreaded black dog is always waiting in the wings but I'm also realising the benefits. All of my greatest acheivements in life apart from my daughter have been given to me by my condition...and to experience such joy, such belief in myself, such absolute confidence and at it's height euphoria. People without the condition pay good money to experience this level of joy. We get it without even asking. But the price I pay has taken me closer to death than i could ever have believed possible and by my own hand, when i should have everything to look forward to it can't be ignored, it took 18 years to get my diagnosis which, on paper, with the knowledge my care team and all who have dealt with me missed I'm really trying not to feel bitter that I lost my 20s and I can't get them back and that I have to move on now that I'm properly diagnosed. The fact that cancer patients get around £3000 per capita spent on them, HIV comes next and as always mental health is last. Depression gets about £60-70. Society will change, I have to believe it but I suppose it's us, we who live with this condition must stand up and be counted. Not be fearful, nott feel worthless. And always remember this is a biological condition which manifests in mental health symptoms. We have to work with it, not against. I told my work, who actually have been great but I know that many employers would turn their backs. More fool them. If anything I work harder, I'm focused, I know what is expected and I do it. Sometimes in double-time ;) it's so moving listening to others. Maybe one day they'll harness the highs and then we will take over the world with our productivity ;) lots of love to all who know the black and white, the fear, the tremendous excitement which scares the hell out of others but gives you a sense that whilst you may be plunged into purgatory in days, weeks or months, in that moment you can do ANYTHING. understanding and more research is needed to stop this condition ostracising us from parts of society we have a right to be part of. I am not ashamed. Only sad. I have so much to give to this world if only the people in it can accept me for me. I will not pretend. Thanks ;)

@stupid44: you are not alone. I went through bipolar disorder II cycles and into mental breakdown. It took me a long time to go back to society. I totally had no interests in life, relationship, work, or anything at all. I wanted to end my life then.

hearing this has helped me so much - i tried (hiding) coping on my own with the symptoms and behaviours described here for over a year - dragging the people i love through hell - and coming very close to ending my marriage - i sort help at the 11th hour and urge anyone else to do so sooner than i did - i thought i was being brave hiding my condition - i was just about as wrong as it is possible to be - thank you xxx

A positive, accurate and informative description of living with bipoar disorder. Well done Siobhan, I wish you health and happiness for the future.

This is really good. Straight to the point and well explained. Five years ago I had a manic episode whilst on the break before my final year of a radio course at University and went through the highs and lows. It's only recently I have discovered through podcasts like this one, what it's like for others to have gone through similar situations and I feel far more confident as a result.

Best of luck at the Sonys!

I am concerned that my daughter is showing signs of bipolar as she firstly appears to do everything she can to make family unhappy, breaks down in tears easily and has always been very quite apart from to family (me and siblings). She is obviously over stressing about exams, sixth form etc. And she has quirks as do we all but it is all too routinely played. Has to be the last out, go's upstairs, has to have mints. Sounds silly but there are too many alarm bells ringing in my mind. She is starting to make me and her brother and sister really low and it has nearly split me and my partner who's ex has the condition, which is why i am appealing for help in diagnosis here. My middle child is classic stroppy teen and there is a marked difference in behaviour.

Thanks Matt for an excellent choice of topic - Siobhan thanks for your well articulated statements - I feel better already!

I am so thankful that I found this website. This is my first time hearing (literally) from someone that has bipolar disorder, though I have read lots of books. It's so good to hear it from someone. It's so real. I was diagnosed with BPD2 in June 2011, and since then had a mental breakdown. Currently, I am recovering well and though I am not so much in debt, I am still grateful for what I have - which are my mental resilience, resourcefulness, kindness and gratitude, and determination. I can't believe I have had already completed 2 years of my distance-learning mba with warwick business school. It still shows that I am determined to fight on with this illness. I am 34 btw.

Thanks for sharing this. The voice of a sufferer makes me think it's so real and I am not alone. Thank you for this, Siobhan.

this pod cast has bought me to tears, in joy and fear. my doctor has suggested that i maybe bi polar as opposed to depressed. i was put on prozac about 2 months ago and have been a complete roller-coaster for years. listening to this i've never heard anything that rang so true with me. i've not been diagnosed but am hopeful for answers soon, its possible this could be it. would explain allot. thank you

The causes of bipolar disorder aren’t completely understood, but it often runs in families. The first manic or depressive episode of bipolar disorder usually occurs in the teenage years or early adulthood. The symptoms can be subtle and confusing, so many people with bipolar disorder are overlooked or misdiagnosed–resulting in unnecessary suffering.

http://www.biblehealth.com/bipolar-disorder/bipolar-mood-disorder.html

As I listen to this podcast I could see myself, I am 52 and so fed up with the moods I am waiting to see a doctor to be diagnosed

Hard to listen to due to resonance. Amazingly frank and clear. Moved. Thank you so much.