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At the start of 2012 I started working with some songs in hopes of producing album number 6. However, this time everything would be different. I was having some doubts and questions about music and life in general. It was the hardest time I've ever known. Every day I'd wake up and just be skeptical about everything I had believed in. The questions and doubts were exploding till I felt I couldn't take much more. After 2 and a half desperate months, on March 18 something finally came. I don't know how to describe what happened. I've always done my best to put belief in God and live for Him, but I had just been questioning all that. I wanted to believe it, but I didn't want it to be fake. That night I was just out on my deck and I started crying. I saw the most amazing things I'd ever seen. I'm sure I saw heaven. Before that I had cried probably 5 times in the last 10 years, but I remember my tears falling on the deck boards. I kept hearing "It's okay. It's okay. It's okay." Before I had stressed about trying to do the right things, but He was telling me, "You never have to do anything ever again. I love you, and you existing will always me enough. Let go." I did let go of all those things that had, and I told myself I now live my life to get back to this place. If I have to fight every day for years and years all I want to do is be here. Since then it has been so hard but I just want to go home. I really had hoped that seeing that meant I was going to die because I wanted to go to heaven more than anything. I don't have any dreams or goals in life anymore. I always felt bad that I couldn't find passion like other people seemed to, but I think I found it by letting go of feeling bad and letting go of trying to get it right. Everything was different then. I don't need to try to get everything I can out of life because I believe an amazing day is coming for me and not even I can stop that. After this, I can totally understand why someone wouldn't believe in God because I was there. I doubted it all. It is so hard to believe that the bible is true and Jesus is real, but I've just decided that no matter what I'm determined to believe through the ups and downs. There is not enough evidence in God to down right prove Him or else everyone would believe. I think everyone just has to eventually decide yes or no about Him. I have been so excited about this, and it seems like every second I just want to go to heaven. Soon after that happened, I started giving up lots of things that I did. I quit making music and quit my project "Days of Sunshine." I didn't record anything for 4 months, and prior to that I bet I hadn't gone a month in that last 4 years without making a song. I was so happy not making music that I wanted to go all out and sell my keyboard, but that's when I started feeling pushed back into it. It was like against my will even God was leading me to make songs. It was like He needed me to do it. I eventually got into the project and started attacking it hard spending a lot of my free time in it. I wasn't sharing much about all the crazy things that were happening in my life, and I didn't tell anyone when I started recording music again. I recorded for 4 months in secret using headphones so even my family wouldn't know. I have always tried to make music good, but this was different. It's like I just wanted to just shout all these thoughts out of my crazy head and into the music. Those days really hurt pretty bad, and they still do. It's not like Jesus has taken everything bad away. It has gotten worse even I think. I guess I often feel depressed and angry at the world and that I am still here when I so so desperately just want to go home. I feel so excited that every day is one more day closer though. The album "Awakening Lights" is the result of that 4 months of recording alone. (the last track on it was written before just to be honest.) I didn't know if this new music was good. I didn't care. I don't even know if anyone can hear anything I was trying to say, and I'm not concerned about that either because that is God's responsibility. This music is for Him. I have actually started album 7 trying to go farther following God. I hear so many voices saying "You're music isn't doing anything. There's no point. There's not even any point to your life." That makes it so hard, but I don't care what they say. He has promised to use me, and I will keep going no matter how low I feel inside. I don't care about having fun with music. I don't care about having fun in life. I just want to do whatever God has for me to do with absolute fury until every day has run out. (I think He may be teaching me that it is good to have fun, but if that's the case then I just want to do that for Him too.) I constantly fail and get bogged down. I don't know how I could be such idiot to have been shown so much and still have doubts and get discouraged. Surely, I don't diverse to exist another moment because of the things that I think inside. I try to keep it within, but part of me is an evil monster and I hate it. I seem to constantly lose that passion, and feel so sad. I'm just going to keep moving, believing all is all perfectly under control and the in the end it will be worth it. All I want is Jesus. All I want is heaven. When I named this project "Days of Sunshine" a few years ago I was saying heaven. I live my life to see Days of Sunshine.