Information: Ex-Change/mis/dis/resourced/strong/invalid/SOUND/SOLID, (also basic, confusing and unconfirmed)

HISTORY: (save for later)

Occupation: pre

Gender: Male (mostly)

Favorite Band: Rubber

Favorite Group: Nine or less.

Favorite Music: Yes

Favorite Movies: Yes

Favorite Books: Yes

Biographical: Auto

Info: Matics

Ideal Date: Don't Know

Favorite Television Program: Off

Work: History

Job: Description

Living Situation: Classified

Location: Here

Lifestyle: Transparent or Trans-Parent, or both or neither, or all four (more or less than five) or somewhere in-between, or OTHER.

Bio: graphical/feedback/organic/degradable/systemic/morphic

Neural: degenerative/cognitive/adaptive

Neuro: developmental/wearable/tic

About: Out and/or In and around.

Profile : If you look at it one way, maybe.

Personal : Record

Affiliations: Built-up, Solid, Tight, Passing, Loose, Running, PROfessional, LAPSED

Associations: Free, (Other)

Other : most certainly

Favorite Quote (presently):

I said, 'Who am I to blow against the wind?'
I know what I know.
I'll say what I've said.
We come and we go.
It's a thing that I keep in the back of my head.

Favorite Saying: Who am I to say?
A: You know.
Q: How should I know?

(Presently expanded, impromptu, revision of first tier "DESCRIPTION" type data; 10/30/2011. For non-EM-STAT use only. Electronic Signature: n/a)

Details : n. def; a category of discernment recognized as making, "all the difference."

(look into the other links "here" for those ...
if you're so inclined ...
far be it for me to impose ...
what one thinks is,
un, to be surely,
all in the mind,
and to what degree
as such, changes with time ...
look and see or think to,
link through and find,
where for whom did,
i when disclose,
or why so how
far since now
seeing repose
sight un-herd
a loud in word
shutter to sing
rhyme w/bring
cliche says ring
(before the end
of the day, stop
with the ay ing)
slip into some
thing more
comfort
able and
in out of
clothes
under
where
who?
no's

; )

that is to say (in a TYPE of way),
other sites are linked here,
to hear or be shown,
addresses to tend,
stitch together,
amend,
a well-worn tapestry
with yet still more there
been there from before
and is becoming,
all ways, are
as always
being
sewn

so .. what's YOUR bag?
just being 'out of the box,'
can be seen simply as
thinking within the
box where with you
the one you're on
the outside of
always has
been in

stash that
in your lid
like wow
groove

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

INTERMITTENTLY interjected Notations & Journal-cum-diarizing type stuff -

10/30/2011: day 5 of unidentified lower-g.i. mayhem, digestive havoc, and feeling like shit (if loosely interpreted ... frequently).

(9/7/11 : today -

#1 - Of those tested in clinical trials for [all] antipsychotics, among people with no psychiatric or "mental" disorder, disease or condition, what were the results in terms of development of side effects, negative reactions and mental diseases, conditions, disorders, etc?

(Answer - ALL. People without diagnoses aren't enrolled in clinical trials that are recorded for data. So all of the none tested in clinical trials showed positive for all of everything possible that can be measured against wellness, which was universally evidenced, having been reported in all observations and reports of people in that group that was untested, and can therefore be used as an absolute margin for measure in terms of potential benefit. This would seem to mandate that there is a necessity for a mental condition of some kind to be present [exist, evidenced in some way] at the time of treatment, so that the effective benefit of the treatment can be measured. If a mental condition does were not to exist at the time of treatment, then what would be measured would not be included as data, until it is sufficient enough to be observable as evidence of a mental condition, which must be treated. Using these basics, it can be demonstrated, if/when applied in practice, that everyone does have a mental condition, and that anyone who believes they do not is the most obviously afflicted, as that is the most prevalent symptom of a mental condition - that the patient does not know and does not believe that he/she has a mental condition.)

(the last note written a couple months back [from today, 9/7/11] follows hence ... with a sort of autobiographical "voice") D.O.B. - 1986 ADD - (non-ADD), it really stopped (if it really IS even a "disorder," and if i actually did really have "it") by the end of grammar school, but once there's a diagnosis, it becomes part of what and who certain people think you are. And the less that is "known" about what it is (what causes it, what its literal mechanisms are in a scientific sense, how long it lasts, and why), the more it is a matter of "behavior," which, obviously, is something inherent to every individual human being (even dead ones). In fact, everything empirically observable has "behaviors (in the sense of scientific observation). In people, the constitute elements of personality, character, identity. Symptomatically, an "it" (a "disorder," based on signs more than symptoms, if a distinction is ever still made) gets looked for by those who believe in it, looked at, and 'naturally' (in accord with the diminutive constituents of "human nature") is "blamed" for anything that the pre-person (below 18 in the U.S.) can't be - generalities; lousy grades, homework, attentiveness to what was of interest, and vice versa.

it goes along with "he's genius/not living up to his potential/can't do/is creative/and/but/has never/he'd always/he keep on/always been/he'll constantly/and yet he's so …"

And so it goes, as Billy Pilgrim would say.

i took to acting in Jr. High, no idea really how or why, it was just there, i had a drama class, first year, first semester, and so loved it, i couldn't wait for the next semester to pass so i could get into the stage production as an elective, (although, as things trued out, i didn't exactly have to; two weeks before opening of the big mid year production, a double bill of twisted, punched fairy tale adaptations, the lead … kinda disappeared, apparently either to england, or on the way, on some drug bender, or in rehab somewhere, or being talked into it off a perch on a hospital roof or something … you know how rumors go, and so i got a kind of wow boost from the department, the needed a lead, two weeks, could i do it? of course.)

Thomas Starr King Jr. High School, 1981

tbc.

______________________________________

log :

silencing political dissent

silencing personal fear

the result of anti-natural human experiment

the future is here

it's so oft claimed that i bestow blame upon my parents for the chain of events compounding my present predicament.

but this is, in true, not the case, and not one i pursue.

blame as it is is the lowest form of excuse, above which lies explanation, and then reason, ultimately superseded by complaint.

complaint is a pre-emptive excuse, and should be sparingly applied, else no one will ask anything of you to do, where in not following through an excuse would be applied.

where for to Kvetch is divine, in a One-God sense, as the chosen of that god are imbued with the divine right to Kvetch, and don't repent.

And the great contest becomes clear, to climb the ladder of woe, to show who's had it harder, who's got more pity points, who has the right to not be blamed, judged, who's to stay, who has to go ...

dream journal de/ascent

5-8-11- ... wait ... 112358 13 ... 11? 8 (11) 13 ... ahh, fergetit ... it's may 8th, 2011, just had another dream that i couldn't remember in time to write out or dictate or what not, but the trails of it's essence that lingered reminded me of various ages of my life ...

the expanded accident or incident … 1990, at the institute of audio/video engineering, there was this 'old pro,' one of those guys who wasn't REALLY that old, like in his early 40's maybe, but had been around, and in and through so much of recording engineering, and so many people involved going way further back, picking up tips, techniques, tricks and stories, that he always had something cool up his sleeve to pass along (though he was addicted to the lifestyle-wear of california cool, always in shot sleeves, cut-offs and sneakers or sandals).

It was a day of class in the control room, and the point came up to always roll the tape on a rehearsal. The reasons and examples of things caught and missed that could never be repeated again, led also to the discussion of things that would get recorded that were initially unintended but when heard back formed the basis for a new idea that otherwise never would have occurred.

These were very formal, story-assisted illustrations of things i'd well-learned from my own experience by then, but that's what made the stories so much more interesting.

At the time, one favorite example to use as a base for reference in describing a great many concepts was Paul Simon's Graceland album. In the studio-lesson-session in question, the ending of the song "I Know What I Know" was brought out in story form as an illustration. In that, if listened to closely, the way it leads out is really just leaving the volumes up after a point where a fade-out was intended to start. Something that experience would well corroborate, in that where a song is being recorded, with the intention of fading it to end, the band just revamps the last chores or phrase for enough bars to give the anticipated fade time, and then generally starts fooling around, dropping off, etc. Just like what is heard.

So many many years later, when in a mad rush to jam the Like Any Other Day remix into completion, there was a rhythmic guitar "style" and syncopation that came to mind, which i thought, if done in a minor key, would really nail the dimension of organic articulation i was trying to pull out. It was the syncopation style in I Know What I Know. Graceland as a whole album was so chock full of guest artists and cross-styles, i thought i'd go dig up the liner notes to see who was playing on the track, back trace through the musicians and their roots, the origin and development of the style, get a 'handle' on it. Right there, i got whammied. If you look it up, it'll become immediately obvious as to why. Needless to say i had to ditch that line of thinking for the remix, but could never since ditch the whole learning experience .... that's life i guess.

4 - 2 - 11 (row back a week), "To sustain the functional health of the neural machinery and the physical structures and mechanisms it operates in contingent geo-temporal actuation, any distinguished destination coordinate has to function as an integral continuum objective, a 'through-point," not an 'end-point,' goal, stop, or in simple terms, a place to make it to by … (such and such a 'time') … for the (pre-determined purpose) … for these types of intersections i have to be passively transported (teleportation would actually be ideal … oh how i wish it were real …), that is a giant scooper-tractor-mover has to push the mountain to Mohamed (or in practical terms a protective automotive transporter would have been required to convey me to the Good Hurt and return me to here to have been able to make it out there).

If I strain beyond a certain degree of force to propel physically toward an objective, the functional perspective of continuity destabilizes into an objective-oriented end-destination acquisition perspective, which if pressed wrecks havoc in terms of neural retro-firing, disabling the functioning of the very mechanisms the mind is operating with in circulatory physical mobilization. Put it another way, non-integrally neurally-reinforcing stress exertion converts directly to distress, and tears up the 'state of mind', which breaks down at an exponentially accelerating rate relative to the persistence of the applied stressor (which if externally co-aggravated accelerates neural degeneration)."

3 2 5 -

in those last 6 months, '07, it wasn't until after … mid august somewhere, that Saul began focusing on asking about my dreams. I'd never been very good at being able to remember them. My dreams in sleep. He had always, along the way, asked only intermittently. Before the last 6 months, there was only one period when I was seeing him regularly that he was more … persistent in his interest … i recall, because i was trying to do various things to accommodate, (keeping a notebook for a dream journal by the bed .. then keeping a tape recorder, a video camera …), and it's not that i didn't have drams at night, i did.

I remember also, that I used to love sleep with a relish. In fact, it was … something kind of vital also … the space where i slept … it was an eccentricity that i think most friends have taken notice of as being characteristic at some point … a few friends … got very bugged by it, but eventually were able to understand, probably more than i yet have, or ever did, why .

Leticia was the first, and most perturbed (initially), buy my need to sleep by myself, in a separated (personal) area. In fact, even though we sparked a chemistry on the night we met, beginning our relationship through this life, and … i laugh thinking back now … despite the things we did together along the way as we grew .. evolved … i think it was maybe two years before we ever actually had sex. i mean, we almost did after just maybe … a week of knowing one another … but it turned into an aborted mission (just to toss in a space-related term), arising from my need to sleep alone and her adamant insistence that … well … it's funny, she used to take digs (not malicious, more like elbow ribbing, then just being occasionally sassy for the sake of naughtiness) at me now and then in conversation with other people, about my "thing for having to sleep in my own space"

But … now i'm recalling a very, perhaps, critical disjunctive …

(returning to Saul's time with me), every effort at keeping a record of sleeping dreams i engaged in prior to the very last 6 month, were during two periods - when i was seeing him prior to my returning to LACC academically, and then beginning again briefly following the first year, (an unprecedented one at that, of the first absolute academic success ever in my lifetime), when news channels were burning up too much to not smell the smoke of tensions between Pakistan and India escalating to sustaining envelope of nuclear confrontation … that started to revive something more than just anxiety from my life growing in conscious maturity through the Reagan/Bush I era, something more, a persistent pain of … of going to school, and succeeding … exceeding at it … that's when he started prescribing, (by my request), tylenol 3 with codeine. Never so much that I developed an addiction. If I stopped at any point along the way (and i did), I wouldn't have any withdrawals or anything.

The period before I began back into school, was a semester span spent acclimating via UCLA extension classes. 1st with an on line writing course, than two classes on campus … heh … one of which was an "Introduction To Logic" … it was really a very light introduction … much more an intro to general concepts and practical use for reasoning.

ides - hare - et tu ? "In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in the case of poetry, it's the exact opposite!" so said Paul Dirac (though i wasn't around at the time), but still ... i'd pretty much say i'd agree with that ... though i do maintain reservations about subscribing to notions of absolute oppositional structures actually existing ... but it's the vibe, i think, that's really sort of essential here ...

march 1-2-3 and on ... this cloud is a space ... the sounds ... DREAMS ... a dream JOURNAL if you please ... they are not manifestos, works, songs ... not static, finite nor definable ... impressions emerge from the greater unconscious ... infinite in resource .. potentiality ... form through vision in unawareness ... they are not predictions, manifestos, definite ... sense of space, time, thought, experience blend from memory of future history, past that never was, mix, entwine, reform and awaken. Remember the warning about QUEEN MAB, to not follow as though there are answers hidden, or suggesting. It is the finite belief in romantic destiny that such ways lead to nothing, ends, and vain fantasy pursuits. if anything, they are ... dreams ... to quest ... to seek better what questions to learn to ask ...

early February now, Feb. (something) 2011, IT looks like this sketck pad is about filled to the last second (but good to the last drop, and bad as Folgers crystals to boot), with a bit of colorful commentary along the way. 'Till next time (when ever that's supposed to be), thank you. (good night and good luck ... Oh Fortuna! mama mia ... did i just write that?) dream on

Jan 15 11 - so, hind sight being 20/20 ... still comes out to 1. But ... but ... but I digress (and need to recess. brb. gotta go to the can), .... that took a while ... getting up again can be the hard part ... ew. So, um ... where was i returning to here ... ah, the profile [thing]. ‎i was just looking over facebook, and an old friend jen otenti had posted a video with a comment -

....oh....oh, yes...why not?

Marilyn Manson - Tainted Love *HD*

which reminded me of something -

Stravinski's usual response after hearing recitals of earnest new work, "Who needs it?"

The reason i bring this up, hear, here, presently ...

That's what my involvement with this soundcloud idea has been largely based on. This forum not being a stage for present perfect work, but results of practice with new-ish ways of creating forms. maybe some are truly great on their own. But it's still condensation within a cloud compared with the sea below.

(this was where I began writing the profile thing for this sight ; )~ This becomes less difficult a task to perform than it is when done in filling a "person" into a rectangular box represented on a terminal monitor, showing bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv . . . oops, I think I dozed off there while typing th

10/20-something/10: To resume; picking up on a message i received (intended to direct my attention toward a piece which had recently been added to an old friend, Sage's soundcloud, via a newly added redirect notification routine to facebook, what came through struck me as a fuck-up on the part of my spam filters, producing a scrambled com-cross-hashed result, with the only immediately decipherable phrase i could recognize being, "NON-ATTORNEY-SPOKESPERSON", which given the confused build-up of spam-bot activity working overtime trying to lock a recognizable pattern in profiling me, seemed like his Soundcloud persona, Zinc Tha Beatminder was a hacked-up spam-bot that picked up on associating a couple more pieces of my situation and condition, and fired a buck shot to see if I would ping. My concern was to get word to Sage/(Zinc as i soon learned), that i picked up a twix redirect that seemed to indicate his profile had been hacked.

Which is a great way to describe his vibe, and I was dually notified and reassured that my concern was the most enjoyable feedback to have been returned from the first trial link, and that here is a site, where he goes by Zinc.

checking it out, i thought, this would be just what the doctor couldn't order, a big, aural sketch pad to mess around in, without needing to state any specific reason, or have to think my way into a reasonable state to throw something up. Bounce up, baby, without the bring-down.

ok, like, uhh ... i better split.

Avi