13. COULD BE THE YEAR
Well it could be the year, the reason I was doomed,
Set up by this bitch from the herpes chat room,
Who said I tried to plunge her with the weenie,
As if I want my plunger weepin’ sludge like a spongy zucchini.
I’m not even ill, yet week after the next,
This support group’s sayin’ I’d pay um for group sex.
Then some old handicap in a wheelchair strap, then wouldn’t you know,
a federal agent posin’ as a minor in a coma.
Proposition um, Horseshit!!, fuck these allegations,
I told um I was offerin’ charitable donations.
Still they threw me in the cell bunk with Hector and Doug,
So much for the love.
But it could be the year, the reason I was in such a fog,
Spillin’ peanut butter on my nads, and callin’ my dog.
It was accidental, there’s nothing to prove.
You think I remember if it was chunky or smooth?
But then he rolls over on me, rattin’ and squealing,
To this animal psychic in touch with dog feelings.
Who gives a fuck if peanut butter was the main ingredients,
In the treats that I brought to teach dog obedience.
Still they made a citizens arrest,
Fuckin’ locked me in the kennel till charges were pressed,
And I was forced to register on the pooch offender list,
Wanna talk about pissed!!
Well it could be the year, it could be superstition,
Could be the way the porn stars aligned in position,
Could be that somethin’ missin’ with peanut butter,
Maybe it’s just me, but I wonder…
If this year could be it, brand new from the drop,
To pull off the shit you were before you got popped,
Today we could say Free at last with it,
Crap out the stick, and wipe our ass with it.
This year could be it, so make the most of,
Doin’ all that shit you were never supposed ta,
Cause everybody’s innocent, you can’t win,
Do unto others till you do yourself in.
This year could be it, another stab, another shot,
To fuck up your fresh start without gettin’ caught,
Having sex in public with roadkill, is that illegal?
What’s more American than wearin’ in a bald eagle?
This year could be it, last one, better make the most of,
Doing all that shit you aren’t ever supposed ta,
Cause we’re all innocent here, we’re God’s kids,
Yeah, bout as innocent as God is.
But it could be the year, the reason I took self defense,
Feelin’ like a victim of inexperience,
My teacher was Butch, she punched like a bullet,
This kickboxing feminist with a power-dyke mullet.
She threw me round the ring by my gee-string,
When my balls fell out and slapped her chin piercing.
She screamed “you crossed the line, we don’t use testicles,
And also this is racial now I’m part Eskimo”
I cried “I’m sorry, I forgot it’s not ninjitsu,
My balls they just appeared in my hand when I hit you,
I thought self defense was usin’ whatever it takes,
Excuse me for a simple mistake”
But it could be the year, the reason the country was appalled,
I got hammered and crashed my scooter right through the wall,
Of the abortion clinic, knockin’ hangers around,
As this Doc tried to euthanize a fetus with downs,
So what, I had explosives strapped to my body,
I was runnin’ fireworks to a New Years party,
For independence and pro-choice, not griping,
That manifesto in my trench coat wasn’t even my typing.
Payback had nothing to do with this,
Just cause I was misdiagnosed with Downs in the uterus.
Now they wanna cuff me up and toss the key,
You believe this hypocrisy.
Well it could be the year, it could be the hype or the drugs,
Or the government listening, it could be the bugs,
Could be the whites, the blacks, the church, the president,
Maybe it’s just me, but then again…
This year could be it, first one from the drop,
To pull off the shit you were before you got popped,
Time to let some freedom ring tonight,
Like liberty bell ringers, through a new glass crack pipe,
This year could be it, so make the most of,
Doing all that shit you were never supposed ta,
Cause everybody’s innocent, you can’t win,
Do unto others till you do um all in.
This year could be it, another stab, another shot,
To dicksrupt the nation, without gettin’ it chopped,
Fuckin’ endanged birds like it was legal,
What’s more patriotic than your cock up in a bald eagle.
This year could be it, last one, better make the most of,
Doin’ all the shit you aren’t ever supposed ta,
Cause we’re all innocent here, we’re God’s kids,
Yeah, bout as innocent as God is.
Could be the year, the reason it was so disturbing,
People talkin’ in code, using double wording,
Sayin’ one of two things, meaning a third thing,
Then I’m supposed to figure it out, it was unnerving.
The signs were marked wrong, I was never swerving,
They jackknifed to take me head on, just for merging,
Confusing sarcasm, it was all but encouraging,
As if making me sick was part of their purging.
You think I’m slow?, I see their lips move, then hear the birds sing,
And that bitch wasn’t screamin’ “help”, she was fuckin’ flirting.
So why’d I get the rubber room without light,
Damn right the kettles callin’ the pot white!!
But it could be the year, the reason I went for suicide,
With a stolen handgun from this state trooper’s ride,
I’m tired of being told what to do,
No more shootin’ my mouth off, I’m followin’ through,
But then I went and shot myself in the foot,
Which was stuck in my mouth, cause that’s where it was put.
The shot missed my head, it sailed out the window,
And killed the same statey sniffin’ round for his pistol.
You believe it!! His life wasted right before my eyes,
I realized immediately I really don’t wanna die.
Then they give me the death penalty, the firing squad,
You see how I’m getting robbed!!!
Well it could be the year, could be a bad case of mental health,
Or just pure violence blamin’ itself.
Could be another calendar come to an end,
Or staring down the barrel of the message I send.
Could be the voices, the music, the bling-blinging,
Or the result of a downsized upbringing,
Could be the TV, could be the remote,
Maybe it’s just me, but on another note….
This year could be it, brand new from the drop,
To pull off the shit you’re gonna before you got popped,
Time to get made together, it’s all the same heist,
Holdin’ up the world for Mohammed and Christ.
This year could be it, very last one, so go make the most,
Of doin’ all that shit you were never supposed ta,
Cause everybody’s innocent, we can’t win,
Do unto others till we’re all done in.
This year could be it, another stab, another shot,
To fuck up your fresh start without getting caught,
Pickin’ roadkill up in your pet carrier,
And poppin’ their dead cherries out back of the rest area.
This year could be it, last one, better make the most of,
Doing all that shit you aren’t ever supposed ta,
Cause we’re all innocent here, we’re God’s kids,
Yeah, bout as innocent as God is…
Yeah, bout as innocent as God is.